tenderbastard
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"there's a fine line between sexiness and abusrdity and tenderbastard's determined to find it."
tenderbastard oath ~ "I do solemnly swear to be kind, helpful, intelligent, and to have fun as ofte as possible."
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"I have met tenderbastard and find him witty and charming. This book review confirms that convicton." ~ Barack Obama
become a TB MJ grower
2026
Winter's Effect
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Trash Talk
trouble in
trubbletown
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Drunk & Naked
on a bicycle
life remembered
in detail
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Mermaid of Marmot Hollow
the musical
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End of the Road
a novel
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The most loving thing I’ve ever said to another living creature is, "Georgia, if you're still suffering in the morning I’m going to choke you to death and put you out of your suffering."
I said that to my dog the night she was dying, and hearing those words I realized I could and would do what I'd said and give her life a dignified resolution, that I would begrudgingly let her go like that and end her misery. That's love baby.
I didn’t have to. She took her last three breaths and died in my arms, and in that moment I realized how love becomes, how it travels, how it continues infinitely, effortlessly, and a measure of the depths of sorrow, loss, and tragedy.
I said what I did because of three experiences, what I got to say many times, one missed opportunity when I didn't say what needed to be said when it needed to be hear, and an earlier interaction with a dying dog.
My father often said, "I love you" to me, and as a kid I didn't think I needed to say it back. As I got older I realized I did. Any time we were together we'd say it. Nobody was going anywhere, nobody was leaving, nothing bad was going to happen.
Those were the last words we said. He went into a hospital, they gave him a staph infection, he went into a toxic coma, they pumped him full of saline solution, he bloated like a whale carcass in the sun, laid like that for eighteen days until I got a four in the morning phone call. The only good thing was I got to say, "I love you" all those times, especially the last.
The missed opportunity was when my mother's dementia necessitated she be in hospice. She'd forgotten how to walk and move. The doctor said she'd forget how to eat, drink, and finally, breathe. I went to see her, wheelchair bound, having fallen on her face, her right eye purple and yellow. They were closed. As I was leaving she opened them and said, "I want to go home." I put my face to hers. "Mom, I don't have any place to take you," kissed her forehead and left. Outside, I realized I'd forgotten to say, "I love you," and thought, "I'll come in the morning and tell her." Four in the morning phone call, I didn't get to tell her, so when it came to that final night with Georgia I said what needed to be said when it needed to be heard.
The other dog interaction? Driving down a country road, I saw a dog lying on the asphalt, a woman holding a shotgun on the shoulder. I pulled over, waled to the woman and the dog, she handed me the shotgun, crossed the two lane, and walked up the lawn to her house. I knew what she wanted and what the dog needed to happen. Afterwards I leaned the gun against the guardrail, pulled the dog onto the shoulder, got in my car and drove on. I remembered that on the night Georgia was dying.
I remember Georgia running figure-eights in the sand, climbing to the Continental Divide, braving river rapids, chasing coyote, running up on two bear, curling in my lap when I meditated, peeking around the shower curtain making certain I was still there, and wanting to be with me, everywhere, all the time.
Her ghost stuck around several days, but I don’t think she can see me, I don’t think she can hear me, I don’t think there’s anything of her left anywhere in the universe, and when I die I don't think she'll be waiting for me somewhere and I'll see her again, but no matter what we lose, even when they stand us backs to the wall and level their guns, we have to keep loving. Someday all that love will become one. I miss her profoundly. Life is less without her, and I can’t do anything about that except, now that I know how love becomes and continues effortlessly and infinitely, I can love. The other lesson...the worst that can happen has. There will be no greater loss.
The world needs to hear the most loving thing that can be said when it needs to be heard. Our best of times, worst of times, our faith, love, trust in one another...that’s love baby.
When you speak the truth and say what needs to be heard it doesn't need toto be explained. I never considered a life without her...and I never imagined I would miss her so profoundly...that's love baby.
310-913-6271 tenderbastard@gmail.com tenderbastard.com
Love Among the Scorpions
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Hair of the Dog
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